March 10, 2014

Inside the Thoughts of a Toddler (A Dramatization)

My son can't talk. He babbles some but he can't string together words or express his thoughts. I often find myself wondering what he's thinking. So I thought it would be fun to put together his inner monologue (or how I imagine it must sound like in his head) on a typical weekday morning. 

(Open scene) He rolls over in his crib several times. 
Nope, I'm not ready to wake up. I love sleep. I just want to sleep - sleepy sleep sleep. 

He hears the garbage truck and some birds. 
(His head jerks up.) Screw sleep! What's happening outside and why are they keeping me locked up in this cage-like thing they call a crib? I need to get out and play. Come on people, I'm obviously awake. (Eyes are just now opening. They're puffy and tired looking).

Drool and crazy curly hair everywhere, he wipes the sleep from his eyes and pulls up to standing. 
When are they going to get this party started? I'm always waiting on them, especially mom. I might as well make strange babbling noises until I get someone's attention.

The babbling begins. He is also now crewing on the side of his crib. 
Augh, the relief. If they aren't going to feed me I'll eat whatever I can. I'm a growing boy after all! Jeez, my teeth hurt so bad. I. MUST. CHEW. This wood almost tastes good. Chew. Chew. Chew.

I (mom) walk in, scoop him up and cover him in kisses. "Good morning my sweet boy!"
You took long enough. Morning? (In disgust). I think it's nearly the afternoon at this point. Now would you please stop kissing me. You're always kissing me. Literally, all-the-time. I get it, you love me. Where's my bottle?

I (mom again) set him down to change his diaper and clothes for the day. 
Lady, I need my bottle, these things can wait. I'm going to start screaming and if you don't hurry I'll wiggle myself right off of this changing table. Don't test me! 

The light switch catches his attention. 
Wow. Now, that is cool. Hold it. I'm not fooled, you can't distract me. I need my bottle. I'm going to wiggle off this table - no more empty threats. 

The wiggling and crying begin.
Dad would never make me wait this long. Take me downstairs. I NEED TO EAT!

I carry him downstairs. 
I NEED TO EAT! I NEED TO EAT! I NEED TO EAT! I will kick you. I will wiggle. GIVE ME MY BOTTLE! (Insert Baby Expletive).

We sit on the couch. The bottle is ready to go and he sees it. 
Hurry up. It's right there. What's taking you so long?

I give him the bottle.
Oh, sweet Baby Jesus it's about time. This is glorious. (Eyes Close as he enjoys the bottle).

Over the course of several minutes with the bottle:
Now my teeth hurt. Maybe if I just chew on this bottle for a moment I might get some relief. It's working, it's working. It feels so good. 

The glowing box on the wall is on. It looks like something I like. All the pretty colors. I. MUST. WATCH. Mom move the bottle so I can watch that thing, it's singing. 

The bottle is gone and we walk to the garage to head to daycare. 
That is the biggest door I've ever seen (this is at the garage door). I wonder if it has one of those springy-things behind it? I love those. 

Wooooo. The car seat, we're going somewhere. Alright. Alright. (He kicks his feet in excitement).

I strap him in and we're off and driving. 
Tree. Tree. Tree. Tree. Tree. Tree. Tree. Bird. Tree. Tree. Tree. Tree. Tree. Tree. Tree. Tree. Tree. Tree. Tree. Tree. Tree. Tree. Awesome. 

The car stops and I pull him out of his carseat and carry him into daycare. 
Hi Mom! (Face full of jubilation). This is fun. 

He recognizes the daycare as we walk into his classroom.
You are a wicked women. I can't believe you brought me back here. I don't want to play with other babies. I don't want to share. I want all the attention. Take me home. I want to go look at the trees. I promise if you take me back home I won't cry. Mom please don't leave me. Pleeeeeeeaaaaaassssseeeee!

I walk out. My heart is crushed and his tears subside. 

Well obviously, I hope he's not that dramatic. But I've decided if I could have a super power it would be to understand the thoughts of babies, especially my son, even if it's just for a morning. 

Be Blessed,
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  1. This is hilarious. Especially the part about "I get it, you love me." Haha!

  2. I tried to comment on this from my phone, but it obviously did not work. Whoops!

    I love this post! I giggled the whole way through -- I'm sure my son has the same inner-monologue.

    Have a great evening!