These past few months have been full of uncertainty. From failed plans and dreams delayed. Late at night, I wonder what's next. What will happen to me in the next few months? Who will I meet next that will be a part of my life? Will I get what I prayed for, or will I become disappointed? What will my job look like in the future, will have another job? The fact is, I don't know. It seems like everything I plan lately seems to not work or somehow becomes delayed. Maybe it's bad timing. As a I continue to think on these thoughts, I also begin to wonder was life this uncertain when I was younger. I used to be so confident and positive about life and what's to come, but now I find myself unsure. Unsure of my plans for the future, unsure if I'm doing what's right, and even unsure if things will work out as I planned. I notice that I'm in need of a constant and as I've gotten older, I have found a constant. This constant has kept me sane. This constant has brought me contentment. This constant has brought me purpose. This constant is God. I've listened to this podcast recently called trusting beyond knowing by TD Jakes and reflecting on what God's word says. After reflecting, I felt encouraged. Here are some of my podcast thoughts and reflection on God's word.
After a hangout, a long semester of work, and graduate school, I finally felt like I was returning to being myself. I decided to do this hip-hop class with a friend and had another plan with a friend to go hiking the next day. The class was great, and it felt good to have a fun and take a break. I had a fun time. When I lay my head down at night, I remember smiling and having anxiety that things are going to good right now and felt like something terrible would happen. The next day something wrong did happen; I got a phone call to take my mom to the hospital. We went to the hospital, and things went well, and it looked like it would be a quick visit, and she would receive the help she needed, and then we would go home. I was wrong, and things suddenly started to decline. My thoughts immediately started to race of fear of something bad happening. I remember talking to my mom and watching TV. When the channel I turned, there was a prayer that has always spoken to me on a spiritual level. It was the serenity prayer. I shook my head and didn't think much of it as I updated my family and stepped out of the room for a second to let them know that everything is fine.
You ever go to a conference, vacation, or trip and felt like you had the most incredible time of your life? Well, that just happened to me this past weekend. I went to a training in Missouri for my job. I was encouraged from my time in Missouri. I felt challenged by the lord, which made me question some of my future choices. Friends prayed over me and encouraged me to keep going in this challenging season. I met new friends who made me laugh, had deep conversations, and prayer. I haven't experienced this spiritual high in a long time. Googles definition of a spiritual high is a profound feeling of inner peace and connection with something beyond ourselves, which in my case the something beyond myself is God. It was good, I felt alive, and most of all, I felt in my element. I experienced a high, but what do you do when the high starts to settle? Now I'm back in my hometown. Things seemed dull, and I felt like I was missing something. I needed a genuine connection. Community is what I didn't have in my hometown. It was such a blessing to be seen and loved by a group of people that understood what you're going through. These people demonstrated what community of believers are supposed to do. The community prays, eats together, has fun, and meets the needs of each other. I had a hard time adjusting from having a group of people that resembled for what needed in my hometown for a week to not having nobody to be in a community within my hometown. Coming down from the high, I remember what I don't have and wish I had here in my hometown. As I settle back into my home, I begin remembering responsibilities, fears, insecurities, and the mundane activities that I have to do. How do I get over my high and move forward in the present? How do I get over this spiritual high?
Spring is here, and now it's time to start prepping for baby planning for a baby. Finally, this is the moment I've been waiting for my whole life: to start a family. My wife and I head to the doctor's office to get checked out and see our chances of having a baby. The doctor comes in with the results and then suddenly leaves the room. She and another nurse quickly come in smiling and say there's no need for prepping cause you're already pregnant! I was immediately shocked and felt like part of me left my body. It was as if people were talking around me, but I was in a different place. I had longed for these words for years and wondered when that time would be. I immediately hugged my wife with excitement that we were pregnant. We were shocked at this brand-new news as we left the doctor's office. I thought this wasn't how we planned to be pregnant so soon. We had a plan; we wanted to save more money, and we didn't imagine going into the doctor's office thinking we weren't pregnant to coming out of the office and now knowing that we were pregnant.