Uncertainty

20 Feb 2023 15:35

These past few months have been full of uncertainty. From failed plans and dreams delayed. Late at night, I wonder what's next. What will happen to me in the next few months? Who will I meet next that will be a part of my life? Will I get what I prayed for, or will I become disappointed? What will my job look like in the future, will have another job? The fact is, I don't know. It seems like everything I plan lately seems to not work or somehow becomes delayed.  Maybe it's bad timing. As a I continue to think on these thoughts, I also begin to wonder was life this uncertain when I was younger. I used to be so confident and positive about life and what's to come, but now I find myself unsure. Unsure of my plans for the future, unsure if I'm doing what's right, and even unsure if things will work out as I planned. I notice that I'm in need of a constant and as I've gotten older, I have found a constant. This constant has kept me sane. This constant has brought me contentment. This constant has brought me purpose. This constant is God.  I've listened to this podcast recently called trusting beyond knowing by TD Jakes and reflecting on what God's word says. After reflecting, I felt encouraged. Here are some of my podcast thoughts and reflection on God's word.

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Suffering with Purpose

10 May 2023 17:20

After a hangout, a long semester of work, and graduate school, I finally felt like I was returning to being myself. I decided to do this hip-hop class with a friend and had another plan with a friend to go hiking the next day. The class was great, and it felt good to have a fun and take a break. I had a fun time. When I lay my head down at night, I remember smiling and having anxiety that things are going to good right now and felt like something terrible would happen. The next day something wrong did happen; I got a phone call to take my mom to the hospital. We went to the hospital, and things went well, and it looked like it would be a quick visit, and she would receive the help she needed, and then we would go home. I was wrong, and things suddenly started to decline. My thoughts immediately started to race of fear of something bad happening. I remember talking to my mom and watching TV. When the channel I turned, there was a prayer that has always spoken to me on a spiritual level. It was the serenity prayer. I shook my head and didn't think much of it as I updated my family and stepped out of the room for a second to let them know that everything is fine.

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A Father's Day

16 Jun 2024 10:24

Father's Day is an odd day for someone like me. Father's Day has been hard growing up for as long as I can remember. I couldn't wait for Father's Day to come and leave because it brought so much emotion that I didn't want to feel. When Father's Day would come, I would feel alone, numb, and sad to the point that I would pretend like it was another day. I remember watching other families with dads, and I would envy them and often wondered what it would be like to have a dad that's present. How much my life would've been different if he was still alive? and if my father was still here, what kind of man would I be today?

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Why Elaina

5 Jun 2024 23:29

As I reflect, it's been a year since we found out we were pregnant! Before we knew the sex of the baby, I remember praying to God and asking and seeing what we should name our baby. I didn't hear anything but got an image of a light. Once I saw this image, I immediately searched Google and looked up boy and girl names for a baby. Fast forwarding to when we discovered it was a girl months later. Elaina is the name we both liked. A Google definition and Greek word of Elaina means shining light, bright, sun, or ray of light. Light is a noun and is something that can be used and referenced in so many different ways. In the bible, we see the light used in many facets, such as truth, hope, goodness, and even salvation. I don't know who she will be and become in this world, but I hope she lives up to her name and is a light in this world. Here is a poem I wrote for her before she was born. I hope everybody, especially the symbolic and meaning-making people, enjoy this as much as I do!

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Rain Came, Wind Blew

30 Dec 2023 14:44

Spring is here, and now it's time to start prepping for baby planning for a baby. Finally, this is the moment I've been waiting for my whole life: to start a family. My wife and I head to the doctor's office to get checked out and see our chances of having a baby. The doctor comes in with the results and then suddenly leaves the room. She and another nurse quickly come in smiling and say there's no need for prepping cause you're already pregnant! I was immediately shocked and felt like part of me left my body. It was as if people were talking around me, but I was in a different place. I had longed for these words for years and wondered when that time would be. I immediately hugged my wife with excitement that we were pregnant. We were shocked at this brand-new news as we left the doctor's office. I thought this wasn't how we planned to be pregnant so soon. We had a plan; we wanted to save more money, and we didn't imagine going into the doctor's office thinking we weren't pregnant to coming out of the office and now knowing that we were pregnant.

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